Honestly I cannot begin to tell you how much time I have spent in my room. My room, the one part of the house filled with valuables, junk, and valuable junk. Both my parents wonder how I survive in a place so littered and scattered with lengths of computer wires, last year's old school assignments, and wrinkled teenage girl clothes strewn about. It's been that way ever since I moved into my room about two years ago, when I first started the 7th grade.
It just so happened that the room I was allowed to move into was a cramped, enclosed cardboard box. Okay, so it wasn't that extreme. Originally the room was used as an office for my Goong Goong (grandpa), since he lives with us. Most people would think something along the lines of, "What? For real now? You want me to live and sleep in there?" I too would be one of these people, if not the fact that I wanted so badly not to share a place with my younger brother. Getting my own room meant my first step of independence, a taste of growing up. There were boxes stacked against the windows added to a distinct musty smell I just couldn't. Dust and cobwebs happily multiplied, not only in the corners and small openings but created an even blanket over the stacked papers and piled boxes. One false move, and I could accidentally lean on a thin layer of dust bunnies causing a million specks of it to fly up to my face. Nasty.
After a month of cleaning and rearranging, my room consisted of a bed, desk, drawer, closet, and several of my Goong Goong's cardboard filing boxes (stacked in the corner). Dust was no longer welcome in my place. Aside from some stray storage boxes, old people clothes, and canned goods in the closet, the room was all mine! Who cared if the room still contained the musty humid feeling? So what if the room was a little cramped? I sure didn't. It was mine, my room to keep.
Which brings us to the present day.
Today, even as I am writing this, my room isn't perfect. It's not my favorite place to be, on account on how messes seem to just keep "growing" on my desk, floor, and in my dresser. Although I keep complaining about how all my belongings are mixed up with my "stuff" and my "things", it is definitely somewhere I go often. Coming to my room, for me, is for much more than just getting a good night’s sleep, or running into grab my school books.
In my room, I am in full control. Not only about what goes on inside my bedroom, but also what goes on inside of me. I can be myself. I am myself in my room. If someone was to take a peek in, what they saw would be a scrapbook of my life- "Here and Now." Pictures fill the walls, right underneath the smooth wooden window still. Memos, drawing, “Calvin & Hobbes” comics, and newspaper articles randomly pinned up to my faded green bulletin board. All this reflects who I am. What may seem like trash, are the very object that capture my memories, thoughts, or feelings.
In my bedroom, is where I do some of my best thinking. The environment is just right to inspire me with new creative ideas. Walking into my room, dodging the various items on the floor, inhaling the scent of my flowery-citrus body mist, are some parts that help me to create new views on a subject. Sometimes being in my room means to do nothing but to lie down and listen to music for a while.
Even though I may not say much about how I am feeling, someone would probably be able to see it through the actions and events that go on, at times, in my room. I am myself in my room, and no one can stop me. I am free to feel my true emotions toward anything, and I will share them with the world, if I choose.
Ideas: I thought your ideas were good and well explained. I like how you included the part about seeing a "living scrapbook" of your life. Although I do think that when you said you can be yourself in your room you did not explain what exactly you do there. Including this information would help to show instead of tell the reader what you are talking about.
ReplyDeleteOrganization: The way that your organized your essay made it flow nicely. I like the way that you talked about how you first got your own room to cleaning it and how the room looks now. By your explanation I could tell that it must have taken you a long to clean this room. The beginning, middle, and end of the piece was very clear although I feel that your essay could use more of a closing statement.
Voice: I could definitely tell that this paper is yours. I could hear your voice when you talked about how much you love having your own room and how to didn't have to share a room with your brother making you more independent. Talking about how you spent the time to clean your room showed the reader how much you wanted and cared about it.
Word Choice: I thought that the word choice was good although I think that you could use more specific details. You can use more details to show not tell the reader what you are trying to say. This reader should be able to use the five senses to feel as if they were really in your room.
Ideas: I think your ideas are good and the way you choose to explain your experiences made sense. The way you explained what the room was like and how it is shows you have good ideas adn it makes me want to keep reading on.
ReplyDeleteOrganization: I like your organization and the fact that I could identified shows thats its organized. I figured out that it has a introduction and the rest is in chronalogical order which is easy to understand.
Voice: Your detail speaks your voice. Theway you explain things I can tell you were there and this is you paper. You real showed me your room and your feelings rather than telling me about it.
Word Choice: Your words come together nicely and are smooth. I can tell you really thought about this essay and took time to write it because the words weren't just randomly picked from a thesaurus they were thought about and they fit perfectly.
Overall it was another realy good paper and i cant think of anythingyou need to improve on. Good Job and keep it up!
Love always,
Kiyo
Hi Korie!
ReplyDeleteLike Kiyo and Kai, I enjoyed taking a tour of your room...and your life :) Although it was a long piece, it doesn't feel like it. The details were well selected to highlighted your focus and they also establish your voice in the piece.
I especially like the way you "play" with words, for example in the series "valuables, junk, and valuable junk" and "not only about what goes on inside my bedroom but also what goes on inside of me."
This "playing" with words and structure is a part of trait #5, sentence fluency. So is parallel structure and you use it well, except for this one: "coming to my room, for me, is for much more tha just GETTING a good night's sleep ot TO GRAB my school books..." see the slip in parallelism?
The only places that I'd recommend some specifics, and not a lot, just one or two, would be when you mention things like "comics" ("manga" or "Calvin and Hobbes"? makes a difference)...and "various items on the floor" (naming one or two would make it more visual)
I can see Kai's point about a stronger ending. I am wondering whether you might take a stronger line or two from earlier in the piece and just move them to the end?
mrs s